Hardbodies 2

Hardbodies 2 is a sequel in name only. In fact, it is nothing at all like its predecessor. Yes, there is quite a bit of nudity, but… What’s that you say? That’s all you needed to hear? Well then, good luck buddy.

You’re gonna need it.

The plot, what there is of it, consists of a group of actors making a film. In film school this is often refered to as “mise en abyme,” but I never went to film school. This film within the film, “Foreign Affairs” is set in Greece, and due to the language barrier, hilarity ensues. Everyone, at some point, gets caught up in a scenario that mirrors something in “Foreign Affairs.” Or is it the other way around? Either way, it’s safe to say that Hardbodies 2 is no 8 1/2.

Sorrells Pickard (Ashby), and Roberta Collins (Lana) reprise their roles from Hardbodies. Louise Baker, who had a small part as “Rocco’s Girl,” plays Cookie the continuity person on the film within the film. At one time they were called “script girls,” but we live in a far more enlightened age.

Hang on kid, this is where it gets complicated.

Scotty and Rags from Hardbodies appear in Hardbodies 2, but this time they are played by Brad Zutaut and Sam Temeles, respectively. To say that they are no Grant Cramer and Courtney Gains would be an understatement. Zutaut and Temeles have none of the charisma, charm, or humor of Cramer and Gains. I don’t know if this was by design or not. I don’t even know if they were supposed to be the same Scotty and Rags.

Zutaut is a sort of Cramer knock off, while Temeles looks nothing at all like Gains. Temeles is tall, has dark hair, and dresses in a sort of Miami Vice style, where as Gains is of average height, has red hair, and dressed like a surf rat. Or is it skate bum? You know what I mean. And not once in Hardbodies 2, as far as I can remember, did Rags flip someone off in one language, much less forty.

This time around, Scotty is engaged to Morgan (Brenda Bakke), a woman so shallow, she makes a petri dish seem like the Aegean Sea. If you are anything like me, and if you are I suggest seeking professional help, you are asking the world’s most obvious question: What the hell happened to Kristi!?! The Scotty Palmer I know, and want to grow up to be, would NEVER date, much less become engaged to, someone like Morgan.

But then again, sometimes life is more Hardbodies 2 than Hardbodies.

The film within the film, “Foreign Affairs,” is without an actress to play the love interest of Scotty’s character. Luckily, he finds a local girl, Cleo (Fabiana Udenio), who is perfect in more ways than one.

But, she’s no Kristi.

This being a Hardbodies movie, it is populated with women who aren’t the least bit shy–if you know what I’m talking about. We never get to see Cleo naked, however, she does that thing that women do where they remove their bra without taking their top off. That trick impresses me more than anything David Blaine ever did.

Of course, Scotty falls for Cleo. She’s no Kristi, but when in Greece… As for Morgan, she hooks up with Scotty’s rival, on screen and off, Logan (James Karen). And Rags hooked up with Cookie. So, I guess everyone lived happily ever after.

THE END

Kristi, if you’re still out there, look me up on Twitter or Facebook.

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